The blog has taken a backseat to the turmoil of unsettled life. We moved, third time in two years, and I can hardly muster the will to put things away. I find I like the rather austere environment. No clutter, no stuff, no garlic press, at that I decided to make a more concerted effort to at least put the essentials where I can find them. I am also thinking of making a map for my husband, who does most of the cooking yet hasn't a clue where I put things.
Last week I spent two days at a seminar on the sacred art of dying. I have been participating in a two year introductory program offered by the Institute for the Sacred Art of Living and last week was our last program. For two years I have been at times confused and at times fully engaged, but last week I had a profound experience that this is my life's work. I will apply to participate in their apprentice program to become a midwife for death. It is a privilege to participate with one who is dying. Life altering.
Given my "calling" and the state of the world I have begun to look at why are we here. Not that I will attempt to ever answer that question with any real satisfaction. I have been exploring an alternative to the rat race we have designed for ourselves. The more better faster model seems to have more people depressed, fatigued, disgruntled, and generally disconnected. We as a society seem to be longing to be connected to one another, our community, and in large part the world. What if this life was to develop compassion? What if we put as much energy toward developing compassion as we put toward our careers? What a different world we would find ourselves in. Perhaps compassion toward one person a day would get the ball rolling. Think about how much better you would feel making a difference for someone else, perhaps even a total stranger. Be the person you have been waiting for, to make a difference in your life, for someone else. It may surprise you how much it will alter your life.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Well, I have been missing in action! I have been in action but not writing. We have moved, no easy feat, and are now on vacation. I have not until today had much internet access. Enough with the excuses now on with the show!!
We have been spending the week on the coast of Oregon with the whole family. Our adult children are great to be with, the real attraction is our 3month old grandson. He is very engaging and full of tricks, that is what my husband calls anything he does. Our son remarked that it is wonderful to see who we are as grandparents, giving him a glimpse of who we were as parents. I had never thought of the possible correlation but I guess if you enjoyed being a parent you would greatly enjoy being a grandparent. All of the joy and none of the headache!
My grandson has me looking again at the blank slate we are when we come into the world and how we, the "mature ones" write on that slate, not always conscious of what we are writing. I have never met a child who asked to be here (I therefore have to assume they were invited by the adults who have them) and we owe them the best we have to give. I am not talking about material things but the best of being human we can muster day in and day out until they are capable of being on their own. I believe that the best sometimes is including others who bring another perspective. Who give their own brand of life. The richer the experience the better the adult. Raising children is (should be) a community event.
In life and death it is a community event. None of us have all of the answers but through dialogue in community we discover there is more depth than we as a individual can muster. We find we are not alone in the monumental task of raising children, dealing with death, or being with our grief. All of these events are better lived out in the world rather than in the confines of our limits.
We have been spending the week on the coast of Oregon with the whole family. Our adult children are great to be with, the real attraction is our 3month old grandson. He is very engaging and full of tricks, that is what my husband calls anything he does. Our son remarked that it is wonderful to see who we are as grandparents, giving him a glimpse of who we were as parents. I had never thought of the possible correlation but I guess if you enjoyed being a parent you would greatly enjoy being a grandparent. All of the joy and none of the headache!
My grandson has me looking again at the blank slate we are when we come into the world and how we, the "mature ones" write on that slate, not always conscious of what we are writing. I have never met a child who asked to be here (I therefore have to assume they were invited by the adults who have them) and we owe them the best we have to give. I am not talking about material things but the best of being human we can muster day in and day out until they are capable of being on their own. I believe that the best sometimes is including others who bring another perspective. Who give their own brand of life. The richer the experience the better the adult. Raising children is (should be) a community event.
In life and death it is a community event. None of us have all of the answers but through dialogue in community we discover there is more depth than we as a individual can muster. We find we are not alone in the monumental task of raising children, dealing with death, or being with our grief. All of these events are better lived out in the world rather than in the confines of our limits.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Day 10 exhausted
I am exhausted but not from writing! We are in the process of moving from a large home to a smaller home. Today was packing, schlepping, and being focused enough to keep everyone here busy! Felt like a circus ring leader.
Yesterday a friend showed me an article in the Wall Street Journal regarding medical directives. In case you don't know there are several legal documents that allow you to state what you would like done in case you are incapacitated as well as who you appoint to make medical decisions. Having these documents would, in my opinion, be an adult and responsible way of taking care of your future and saving your family form the burden of trying to guess your wishes in a very stressful situation. What the article pointed out was you can state do nothing to do what ever is humanly possible to keep me have alive. You have a huge range of options yet less than 50% of adults over 50 have any such documents. Why do you think that is? 65% of people over 65 have no will, trust, or medical directive. Odd is it not that a generation which has worked hard, been responsible, has chosen not to treat the end stages of life the same responsible way. Yet the article went on to say the older generation is not reticent to talk of dying. One 90 year old stated it is not like they haven't thought about dying. Interesting that there is not a more natural determination about end of life responsibilities.
I am a great believer that the older generation should be the keeper of conversation that pertain to end of life. They should be the go to people when death issues occur. I think there are more conversation they should be the keepers of but since I am interested in the alteration of the cultural conversation on death I will focus there. Tribes, I think, have the right idea when it comes to elders and their roles in the community. The elders are considered the wise elders and they are who you go to for advise on a variety of issues and death is an important one.
As a culture focused on youth, so they say, we have failed to look beyond the youthful years to what is next. As someone who is approaching the wise elder years I can see what is important to the young is no longer important. Been there done that, but it does not mean that we are not interested in supporting the younger generation in achieving their dreams nor does it mean that we have nothing to provide in our new role as elder. To think we should dismiss the age challenged as not relevant is to waste years of experience and insight that is important to the future of who we say we are. So the elders need to step up and be responsible for who they are and what they provide and together, young and old alike, will create a culture that honors everyone.
Yesterday a friend showed me an article in the Wall Street Journal regarding medical directives. In case you don't know there are several legal documents that allow you to state what you would like done in case you are incapacitated as well as who you appoint to make medical decisions. Having these documents would, in my opinion, be an adult and responsible way of taking care of your future and saving your family form the burden of trying to guess your wishes in a very stressful situation. What the article pointed out was you can state do nothing to do what ever is humanly possible to keep me have alive. You have a huge range of options yet less than 50% of adults over 50 have any such documents. Why do you think that is? 65% of people over 65 have no will, trust, or medical directive. Odd is it not that a generation which has worked hard, been responsible, has chosen not to treat the end stages of life the same responsible way. Yet the article went on to say the older generation is not reticent to talk of dying. One 90 year old stated it is not like they haven't thought about dying. Interesting that there is not a more natural determination about end of life responsibilities.
I am a great believer that the older generation should be the keeper of conversation that pertain to end of life. They should be the go to people when death issues occur. I think there are more conversation they should be the keepers of but since I am interested in the alteration of the cultural conversation on death I will focus there. Tribes, I think, have the right idea when it comes to elders and their roles in the community. The elders are considered the wise elders and they are who you go to for advise on a variety of issues and death is an important one.
As a culture focused on youth, so they say, we have failed to look beyond the youthful years to what is next. As someone who is approaching the wise elder years I can see what is important to the young is no longer important. Been there done that, but it does not mean that we are not interested in supporting the younger generation in achieving their dreams nor does it mean that we have nothing to provide in our new role as elder. To think we should dismiss the age challenged as not relevant is to waste years of experience and insight that is important to the future of who we say we are. So the elders need to step up and be responsible for who they are and what they provide and together, young and old alike, will create a culture that honors everyone.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Day 9 What a way to start the day!
I really like writing at the start of the day. First I go to the gym, make coffee upon return, read the paper, and write. Great way to get the day going. (at least for me!)
This morning in the paper was an article about one groups attempt to honor and keep alive the life of their good friend who was killed in 1970 in a home invasion robbery. The group gathers every August to have a barbecue, presence their friend who died and catch up with one another. The man who died was the unofficial leader of the group of men who were friends in high school. I marveled at the commitment of the group who for 40 years have been willing to meet, presence the member who died and in doing so keeping him alive in the memories. I know families who seldom speak of those who have passed let alone presence the life that has played a part in the family dynamics. I also know families who can't seem to move past the grief and into the love. The prolonged grief becomes how the family is defined, it displaces the love that was present when the person was alive. I can't imagine that the person who passed would want their family to grieve endlessly.
Also in this article was a statement from the son of the man who said that when his father died there was not therapy, no discussion, everyone left to deal with their grief alone. When my father died in the early fifties no one seemed to know what to do with the children. We were left to deal the best we could. I remember asking questions and getting some answers but there was no effort to presence my father. As a matter of fact the decision was made to remove all pictures of my father which I did not know existed until my mother was dying some 50 years later. There was no handbook on how to deal in death yet one hundred years earlier we were very adept at death. We had no mortuaries. People died at home and the body was prepared by the women. The body displayed at home until the funeral. You were laid to rest in a pine box in the church yard. The members of the community were present to those who had come before.
How have we as a culture lost the ability to be with one another in death? We now view death as a medical mistake and something to avoid at all cost. I wonder if it has something to do with how we view life? Waiting for the right moment rather than charging headlong into the unknown giving life all that we have. Being present to the wonder and excitement of life until the time to move on to what is next.
This morning in the paper was an article about one groups attempt to honor and keep alive the life of their good friend who was killed in 1970 in a home invasion robbery. The group gathers every August to have a barbecue, presence their friend who died and catch up with one another. The man who died was the unofficial leader of the group of men who were friends in high school. I marveled at the commitment of the group who for 40 years have been willing to meet, presence the member who died and in doing so keeping him alive in the memories. I know families who seldom speak of those who have passed let alone presence the life that has played a part in the family dynamics. I also know families who can't seem to move past the grief and into the love. The prolonged grief becomes how the family is defined, it displaces the love that was present when the person was alive. I can't imagine that the person who passed would want their family to grieve endlessly.
Also in this article was a statement from the son of the man who said that when his father died there was not therapy, no discussion, everyone left to deal with their grief alone. When my father died in the early fifties no one seemed to know what to do with the children. We were left to deal the best we could. I remember asking questions and getting some answers but there was no effort to presence my father. As a matter of fact the decision was made to remove all pictures of my father which I did not know existed until my mother was dying some 50 years later. There was no handbook on how to deal in death yet one hundred years earlier we were very adept at death. We had no mortuaries. People died at home and the body was prepared by the women. The body displayed at home until the funeral. You were laid to rest in a pine box in the church yard. The members of the community were present to those who had come before.
How have we as a culture lost the ability to be with one another in death? We now view death as a medical mistake and something to avoid at all cost. I wonder if it has something to do with how we view life? Waiting for the right moment rather than charging headlong into the unknown giving life all that we have. Being present to the wonder and excitement of life until the time to move on to what is next.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Day 8 and beginning to wonder if I can sustain a year!
Yesterday I had the thought that I might not have much to say after a week or two! Hard to believe given how much I like to talk but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. For now there seems to be enough to say!
I was reading the college alumni magazine recently and noticed how much I like to see what others are doing. I especially like to read the milestones section which says who you are what you do and what you have accomplished. It reads much like an obit which are listed at the end of the section and written in the same manner. The difference being the obits state died and a date. I also read the obits in the newspaper everyday, and am sure some people think that is odd. I like knowing something about the other humans that inhabit this planet. I am interested in how others have chosen to live, what jobs they have had, how many children, how long married. There are almost seven billion humans inhabiting the planet (they are now predicting we will hit seven billion next year) and we all contribute something unique. It just makes me want to know more and more people and hear what they are up to. To hear how they have created their life, what they say is important, and what their hopes and dreams are.
I was reading the college alumni magazine recently and noticed how much I like to see what others are doing. I especially like to read the milestones section which says who you are what you do and what you have accomplished. It reads much like an obit which are listed at the end of the section and written in the same manner. The difference being the obits state died and a date. I also read the obits in the newspaper everyday, and am sure some people think that is odd. I like knowing something about the other humans that inhabit this planet. I am interested in how others have chosen to live, what jobs they have had, how many children, how long married. There are almost seven billion humans inhabiting the planet (they are now predicting we will hit seven billion next year) and we all contribute something unique. It just makes me want to know more and more people and hear what they are up to. To hear how they have created their life, what they say is important, and what their hopes and dreams are.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Day 7 Sunday
It is 6am Sunday morning. I am so use to getting up at 5:30am that I don't seem to sleep in anymore. Well, I have always loved the day time better than the night. More daytime to enjoy!
Ahhhh life! Friday night my son was visiting and he had had a rather trying day. He was frustrated and slightly upset. He has been working two jobs to support himself and to get a new business off the ground. He flops down in a chair and says "What is all of this for. Why do we do all of this?" My husband and I looked at him and said congratulations you have just become a full fledged adult. He was becoming present to the cosmic joke. Life means what ever you say it means! There are the cultural, religious, and ethnic interpertations of life but when it come down to it your life is what you say you life is.
Ever notice that when you are in a bad mood and start saying that your life sucks that sure enough as long as you say that your life sucks it actually does, but when you change what you say about your life your life seems to change! Perhaps life is as simple as "life is what you say". Ever imagine what your life would be like if you did not have language. Language is a wonderful gift.
I have a friend who says that her life is fun and if it is not fun it is not her life! I have the opportunity to see her every morning if I choose. I do see her three or four mornings a week because a five minute conversation with her is a great way to start the day. She is what she says and it gets all over you if you allow it to. Fun at 6am is as good or better than a cup of coffee!
Ahhhh life! Friday night my son was visiting and he had had a rather trying day. He was frustrated and slightly upset. He has been working two jobs to support himself and to get a new business off the ground. He flops down in a chair and says "What is all of this for. Why do we do all of this?" My husband and I looked at him and said congratulations you have just become a full fledged adult. He was becoming present to the cosmic joke. Life means what ever you say it means! There are the cultural, religious, and ethnic interpertations of life but when it come down to it your life is what you say you life is.
Ever notice that when you are in a bad mood and start saying that your life sucks that sure enough as long as you say that your life sucks it actually does, but when you change what you say about your life your life seems to change! Perhaps life is as simple as "life is what you say". Ever imagine what your life would be like if you did not have language. Language is a wonderful gift.
I have a friend who says that her life is fun and if it is not fun it is not her life! I have the opportunity to see her every morning if I choose. I do see her three or four mornings a week because a five minute conversation with her is a great way to start the day. She is what she says and it gets all over you if you allow it to. Fun at 6am is as good or better than a cup of coffee!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Day 6 Life keeps showing up!
Early this morning I was checking email and found an email form someone, I have no idea who they are, who was not amused by my blog. She said "take me off your list and who gives a flying f what you think". My first thought was I hope that woman is not alone with all of that anger. Hope the email made her feel better! Ain't life grand?
Yesterday I was talking about how every death is a different experience and I became present to an experience I had almost 30 years ago that really changed my views regarding death. My husband and I had moved back to my childhood city and I began to reconnect with my high school classmates. I had about 64 girls in my class, we all knew each other, some better than others. One classmate was eager to have all of us connect again so we would have periodic lunches and catch up. It turned that this particular classmate was diagnosed with cancer shortly after my return. She had lung cancer which was caused by a undetected tumor in her sinus. She had seen doctors for headaches but not one of them had bothered to look in her nose until she went to an ear nose and throat doctor. Any how, she gave it everything she had and died six years later.
The remarkable change occurred over the six year period as a group of five classmates became her go to team. Each one of us had a different relationship with her and each one of us experienced illness and death in a way we had never imagined. We learned to pray together, laugh together and cry together as we made the journey. One evening we all took her to a healing service (laying of hands) at a Catholic church. We all went to Catholic school so that it was in a Catholic church was not that big a deal, but the fact that this service was outside the mainstream Catholic teachings was confronting to several of our group, truth be told probably all of us. I still remember thinking, while the others were voicing their opinion about the service we were about to experience, just be open and see what this is. On another occasion our evangelical member took her to see a priest who was known for his healing. After that event our classmate was cancer free! The doctors were amazed and we were all elated. The next year the cancer was back with force.
She developed a different relationship with each of us and each relationship seemed to support various areas of her life. She would always talk to me about her desires and memories. I had married later in life than the others and she was fascinated by my life before family. We all were bonded to a part of her life. We all went to the funeral as a group and for the first time I felt some joy at a funeral. I was clear I was complete with her, and she with me, and she no longer was in pain. After the service we were all amazed at just how complete we all felt and how privileged we were to have had the experience.
Yesterday I was talking about how every death is a different experience and I became present to an experience I had almost 30 years ago that really changed my views regarding death. My husband and I had moved back to my childhood city and I began to reconnect with my high school classmates. I had about 64 girls in my class, we all knew each other, some better than others. One classmate was eager to have all of us connect again so we would have periodic lunches and catch up. It turned that this particular classmate was diagnosed with cancer shortly after my return. She had lung cancer which was caused by a undetected tumor in her sinus. She had seen doctors for headaches but not one of them had bothered to look in her nose until she went to an ear nose and throat doctor. Any how, she gave it everything she had and died six years later.
The remarkable change occurred over the six year period as a group of five classmates became her go to team. Each one of us had a different relationship with her and each one of us experienced illness and death in a way we had never imagined. We learned to pray together, laugh together and cry together as we made the journey. One evening we all took her to a healing service (laying of hands) at a Catholic church. We all went to Catholic school so that it was in a Catholic church was not that big a deal, but the fact that this service was outside the mainstream Catholic teachings was confronting to several of our group, truth be told probably all of us. I still remember thinking, while the others were voicing their opinion about the service we were about to experience, just be open and see what this is. On another occasion our evangelical member took her to see a priest who was known for his healing. After that event our classmate was cancer free! The doctors were amazed and we were all elated. The next year the cancer was back with force.
She developed a different relationship with each of us and each relationship seemed to support various areas of her life. She would always talk to me about her desires and memories. I had married later in life than the others and she was fascinated by my life before family. We all were bonded to a part of her life. We all went to the funeral as a group and for the first time I felt some joy at a funeral. I was clear I was complete with her, and she with me, and she no longer was in pain. After the service we were all amazed at just how complete we all felt and how privileged we were to have had the experience.
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